


Not alone on cold blue nights

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Talk of canonical death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 06:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8738425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: Ashley unwittingly reminds Aaron about his past with Jackson. This gets Robert and him talking about his first boyfriend, and his death. And when Aaron breaks down, Robert is - as always - there.Based on a prompt from theredandwhitequeen





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone :) This story was based on an amazing prompt from theredandwhitequeen on tumblr: "Ashley in his dementia remembers how hard he was on Hazel and Aaron and finds Aaron and tries to talk to him and really confuses him, but he and Robert have a long talk about grief, and Jackson and death. I was rewatching Aaron's story after Jackson died and it just came to me. Also I wonder if Aaron has been in Dale Head since he returned to the show and what his reaction to being there might be. Maybe that could be part of the prompt too." 
> 
> I hope I did this justice.

Aaron was sitting in the café, waiting for Robert to return to their table with their order when Ashley and Laurel walked in. The couple smiled at Aaron as they passed, and he smiled back easily. He found that it was easier to smile these days; easier to do a great many things these days. All of a sudden, Ashley turned back.

‘Aaron?’

The young man looked up and nodded. ‘Yeah?’

‘Aaron, I—I’m so sorry, I really don’t know what I—I’m so sorry.’

Aaron shifted uncomfortably, thinking that Ashley was talking about Gordon. He was finally getting to a stage that he felt he could maybe move past it; the last thing he needed was Ashley bringing it up again. Robert returned to their table just as Ashley was finishing his rushed apology.

‘Everything all right?’ he asked kindly but with more than a bit of concern in his voice.

Laurel spoke for them both. ‘Yeah, fine. Ashley, why don’t we sit down, yeah?’

But the former vicar hadn’t taken his eyes from Aaron, and he settled himself in the chair opposite the man instead. ‘I know that I wasn’t… the easiest man to speak to when Jackson passed,’ he said softly. ‘I said some things to you, and to… to… Hazel. Things that were cruel. And I—’

‘Ashley,’ Aaron interrupted. ‘That was ages ago, mate. We’ve got past that.’

Ashley blinked a few times. ‘Have we? Oh, I suppose I—’

‘I mean, thanks,’ Aaron said, feeling bad about confusing the man even more. ‘It’s really kind of you to, y’know, come over and apologise and that, but… yeah, it’s fine.’

He nodded at Laurel, who gave him a grateful smile. ‘Go and get us two coffees, will you, Love?’ she asked. Ashley nodded and got to his feet, not before directing one last apologetic look at Aaron. When her husband was gone, Laurel’s smile dropped. ‘I’m so sorry, Aaron. If I’d thought for a second he was thinking about that, I never would have—’

‘It’s fine, honestly,’ Aaron said, waving her off. ‘I mean, it was a bit of a shock, but… it’s fine.’ She nodded and smiled again, grateful for his acceptance, and went to her table to wait for her husband. When she left, Aaron raised his eyebrows at Robert and sighed.

‘You all right?’ Robert asked.

Aaron nodded. ‘Yeah.’

‘What was all that about?’

He shook his head. ‘Just some stuff about Jackson. Not here though, eh?’ He felt like he was being stared at; that after Ashley’s sudden outburst, people were looking at him, remembering the time when Aaron had a boyfriend in a wheelchair, and what he had to do for him when Jackson could no longer handle it. Aaron swallowed harshly and bit his nails.

‘Hey.’ Robert’s hand reached for his own. ‘Don’t do that, Baby.’ He gestured at their mugs. ‘We could get these to go, you know?’

Aaron looked around at the café. Laurel and Ashley were talking quietly, but Ashley’s gestures had begun to get a little more animated as he perhaps remembered more and more of what Aaron and Hazel had been put through. He nodded. ‘Yeah. Thanks.’

Not ten minutes later, they were strolling down Main Street, heading to their usual place to talk: the bridge. They stood there for a long while in silence. Aaron could feel Robert looking at him every now and then, but not staring at him which Aaron was grateful for. Eventually, he started to talk.

‘It’s weird,’ he said. ‘Death used to be… I used to think about it all the time, you know? ‘Cause I was so unhappy.’ He shook his head. ‘Sounds melodramatic now.’

‘No it doesn’t,’ Robert reassured him quickly.

Aaron’s smile was thin and a little self-critical, but he didn’t say anything to counter it. ‘Anyway. Jackson was this, like, light in all of that, you know. I know I’ve talked to you about ‘im before.’

‘Yeah,’ Robert said, nodding. ‘He seemed like a good bloke.’

‘He was. One of the best.’ He laughed humourlessly. ‘Too good for me, anyhow.’ He waved off Robert’s protest. ‘Anyway, like I said… he was the light in all of my melodramatic darkness. He was someone who couldn’t get enough of life, you know? He wanted to do all sorts, _be_ all sorts. He always had a smile on his face.’ He shook his head and exhaled shakily. It still hurt to think about Jackson. It felt like he was betraying both his first boyfriend and his fiancé by talking about him here and now, but he needed to. He hadn’t thought about him in a long time—not like this at least—and Ashley had brought it all to the forefront of his mind. ‘He was always smiling and laughing and joking. Until… until he wasn’t. When everything was so bleak and messed up in his head and he… he turned into me a little bit, actually!’ he laughed again, and looked at Robert, who was smiling around his own teary eyes. ‘Suddenly _I_ was the one who was tellin’ him there was stuff to live for. _I_ was tellin’ him that he had to think positive. I think I’m the least qualified person to do that. Well, I was then, anyway. It’s weird… death is so… it’s so final. I mean, I know it sounds stupid ‘cause it’s the last thing we’ll ever do. And I don’t need to tell you that, you know well enough. But… it’s final to them, but not to us, you know?’

‘I know.’

‘It’s been seven years, comin’ up to eight, since he died. And sometimes it feels like years. It actually feels like the amount of time it is. But sometimes again—sometimes it feels like it was just the other day… when I met this bloke who smiled a lot and laughed when he won a game of pool against two girls. I can remember stuff like… like the way he smelt, and the feel of his beard. But I remember stuff like his face when we told him he wouldn’t walk again, and his face in that… that fuckin’ video diary when he said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he wanted it all to be over—’ He suddenly couldn’t speak anymore. Tears and sobs made him shake and tremble and the whole while, he felt Robert’s strong arms around him, his soft voice telling him he was okay, that everything was okay.

There was a wet patch on Robert’s shirt where Aaron cried himself hoarse. Robert rubbed his palm in circles on his back. ‘Sorry,’ Aaron whispered.

‘Don’t ever be sorry,’ Robert said. ‘We all need to offload.’

Aaron nodded. ‘I guess Ashley bringin’ that up earlier got to me more than I thought.’

‘Yeah, I thought it did.’ Robert pulled back, and Aaron felt his gaze on him when he wiped his eyes with his sleeves. ‘Whenever you need to talk about him,’ he said, ‘you can. Don’t think that I’d be jealous or anything like that ‘cause I’m not. Not of Jackson.’

Aaron suddenly laughed. ‘It’d be pretty weird if you were jealous of a dead guy.’

Robert smiled crookedly and nudged his boyfriend. ‘You know what I mean.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ They smiled at each other, and Aaron suddenly felt an amazing and infinite amount of gratitude for his fiancé. He leaned into Robert and allowed the man to wrap his arms around him again.

‘Have you ever been back to the house?’ Robert asked. ‘Back to Dale Head, I mean?’

Aaron shook his head. ‘Before Uncle Zak and Joanie moved in, I never had a reason to. But even now, I don’t think I want to. Even through Kerry’s pink stuff everywhere I’d still see the bed and the hoist. I’d still hear his voice, and Hazel’s.’ He flinched. ‘No, I don’t think I ever want to go back there.’

Robert said nothing, just kissed his hair and held him tighter.

‘Thank you,’ Aaron said. ‘For letting me talk. And for lettin’ me ruin your shirt.’

Robert laughed and touched the wet patch on the shoulder of his light blue shirt. ‘It’s all right, it’ll wash out.’ They kissed gently, just a soft meeting of lips and nothing more. Aaron still felt too fragile and brittle under his own skin. 

‘Can we go and see him?’ Aaron asked tentatively. ‘Jackson, I mean?’

Robert nodded without hesitation. ‘Of course we can.’ He grabbed his fiancé’s hand. ‘Wanna stop off at the pub to pick up a couple of cans first?’

And something about that, something about the way that Robert just _knew_ him and knew his and Jackson’s routine and relationship, floored Aaron. He pulled his fiancé back to him and looked up into his blue-green eyes. ‘I love you,’ he whispered. ‘I love you so much.’

His answering smile was curious, but no less full of love. ‘I know, Baby. I love you too.’

‘Just wanted you to know,’ Aaron said. They walked back to the pub and Robert bought the beers. When they sat by Jackson’s grave, Aaron opened first one can, then another. He tapped the cans together in a silent toast, and turned to Robert, telling him without words that he could get in on it as well. His boyfriend opened his own beer and toasted both of the cans that Aaron held. Aaron smiled and upended one of them into the grass whilst he and Robert drank from their own.

When he’d taken three mouthfuls, Aaron lowered the can and made a face. ‘Not our usual, mate,’ he told Jackson. ‘Blame Robert for that, he got the beers in.’

‘Oi!’ Robert yelped. ‘I’m sure Jackson’s grateful for the change, rather than the cheap tat you buy ‘im all the time.’

‘No he wouldn’t be, ‘cause he was dead common like me,’ Aaron said smugly.

Robert laughed. ‘I hope you’re listenin’ to this, mate,’ he told the headstone. ‘He just called you common. _I_ meanwhile bought you the good stuff.’

Aaron shook his head and took another sip of the beer. He lay his head on Robert’s shoulder. ‘Sorry I haven’t been to see you in a while, Jackson. What with Christmas and the wedding plannin’ I’ve been busy.’

Robert pressed another kiss to Aaron’s gelled hair. ‘He knows, Baby.’

Aaron nodded. He felt the sense of dread and fear that had enveloped him when Ashley talked about Jackson seep out through his pores. He knew that Jackson wouldn’t want him to mourn, to live his life without love. He took Robert’s hand in his and squeezed it gently. ‘Yeah, he does,’ he agreed.

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr!: [Port in a Storm](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)
> 
> The title is a line from the poem 'Cold blue nights' by Larsen Bowker


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